I am getting increasingly paranoid that James has just made up the fact that his grandma is ill so he doesn't have to see me.. Do you think that's a bit too paranoid? Or do you think it's possible it could be true?! I mean, if he hadn't wanted anything to do with me after he saw me he should've just come out & said it or emailled it instead of writing that he missed me and wished he could be with me etc.. I would have had no problems with that, you know?! I don't feel it when people kick me in the gut anymore.. And I'd rather he be up front about it than string me along for weeks & weeks & waste my time & hurt me..
But pretending his grandma is ill and pretending he's missing me etc. etc. so that he doesn't have to see me just seems a bit far-fetched & too much bother to be a real lie.
Please someone come here and hit me round the head and tell me to get rid of all this paranoia! It's just that James was just so perfect & there has to be a catch somewhere, I'm sure.. Ho hum..
Thursday, February 22, 2001 12:11 p.m.
And, yes, I'm off work yet again. It has to do with waking up this morning and not being able to see out of my left eye. Don't ask.
Thursday, February 22, 2001 12:10 p.m.
Yay! Look! On your left is Henry aka Henry Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart Hoob Hayter aka Ging aka Henrymekattypiss! I thought it was about time you saw something other than my evil face..! Hee hee! Oh yes, and you can click on the photo to make it bigger. Because being squashed up like that really does not do him justice, you know?!
Thursday, February 22, 2001 12:07 p.m.
I'm getting too thin again. I know this because automatic doors don't sense me when I try to walk through them anymore and it did this before when I was horrendously skinny. Aaargh...
Tuesday, February 20, 2001 06:39 p.m.
I saw Ryan again today.. Typical, isn't it? It's like buses.. I waited ages to see him and then he comes along twice.
I did not castrate him. It was a struggle but I managed to keep my dignity. I just kind of cried "Oh for fuck's sake!" in the middle of the street, rolled my eyes and didn't look at him when he said "Hello" (in a really sarcastic voice)..
I CAN'T HANDLE THIS, GODDAMMIT! He should not be allowed to pass me in the street on any occasion. He should keep himself as far away from me as possible. Because I was in that damn place first and he walked away from it and it's just not fair that he can walk around Leeds and be so casual about bumping into me, whilst I get angry and hurt and want to beat him with a stick.
I know I spent ages wishing I could see him again. I don't think I should have wished so hard.
Tuesday, February 20, 2001 06:34 p.m.
James' grandma, who he loves to bits, is really sick in hospital. It always works like this - I meet a man I really really like and then some horrendous catastrophe befalls him. I wonder if I'm cursed..?!
I wish there was something I could do. I hate it when people hurt, especially when it's someone I care about so much, and I wish that I could do something to make it all better and make his granny happy and well and make him happy and well. But there is absolutely bugger all I can do. I don't even know how much he would want me to do anyway, since we've not known each other that long and stuff..
I will just sit here and worry for him and be there for him if he needs me. I think that's the best...
Tuesday, February 20, 2001 06:25 p.m.
I have just realised that these butterflies-in-stomach not-wanting-to-eat not-sleeping and dizzy grin are, in fact, lovesickness.
Mmm.. James.. Mmm.. (He sent me a text message at 12am last night to say that he missed me! Aww! Aww! I do not deserve to be this lucky..)
Sunday, February 18, 2001 01:22 p.m.
Finally, I have completed my new journal entry. It is very long and slightly waffling and parts of it might make you feel nauseus. Ho hum..!
Saturday, February 17, 2001 01:41 p.m.
This has been making me angry as hell all week... These sick bastards get joke jail sentences of between 12 and 30 months, whereas this guy gets 15 months for handling Posh Spice's stolen clothes.
Ah British justice.. What a fucked-up country we live in.
Saturday, February 17, 2001 11:09 a.m.
Also, Natalia's journal is great too, so go visit that as well, okay?! (My God, I'm so bossy, aren't I?!) I'm sorry it's taken me so long to link you Natalia! :o)
Saturday, February 17, 2001 10:46 a.m.
Yay! My good friend Joanne has started a journal! Yay! Go read and tell her how fab she is!
Saturday, February 17, 2001 10:41 a.m.
Yay! I'm back! And have been walking on a little cloud of happiness since Thursday! I will write a journal entry later today to enlighten you all!
Something else happened while I was out with Him too.. I bumped into someone. And if you know me in Real Life or just AIM Life, you will know that this person is someone I've been wanting to bump into since oooh.. about this time last year, when he sailed off on a train never to be seen again.
Life is weird sometimes. I surprise myself constantly. Anyway, this will all become clear once I write my journal entry so I'll shut up talking in code now! :o)
Saturday, February 17, 2001 10:38 a.m.
