Some people are such bigheads, you know?! I was very much not in control of my actions and also under the influence of alcohol when Sarah From Work decided to ring every number in my address book (i.e. it wasn't me with my phone, it was Sarah From Work) So there. Bighead. Now go do something about your horrendous beer belly, would you?!
To the rest of you who aren't the above person, I love you all like my new necklace especially because I am now at number 5.. Wow. I feel like a popstar..
Also, if my family and I were all participating in Big Brother apparently I would be the one they voted off first! Huh! Just because I don't stop talking and singing and hogging the computer! My God! I wish I was in the real Big Brother even though I find none of this seasons men attractive and, well, I'm bored of this topic now.
I have nothing else to say.. la la laaaa.. Stop making those text message noises would you!? Cheers big ears. (That, incidentally, is my Phrase of the Moment. Unfortunately, however, when I was being served in a shop by a man who really did have big ears & I automatically say it to anyone, whether they have big ears or not, I think he got a bit offended. My other Phrase of the Moment is 'what a jip!' It sums up every aspect of my life rather perfectly. So there.)
Sunday, June 3, 2001 08:15 p.m.

Did I mention that I have, in my possession, some penises made out of peppermint? I was given them as a present. They came in a little tin and I couldn't stop messing with them yesterday and then the lid wouldn't go back on the tin and Carl From Work said "Well, you know why that is don't you? You've been playing with them too much and they're too excited to fit in the tin."
I am sorry to lower the tone of my weblog by talking about penises. But, well, I thought it was amusing. Never mind though, ay?!
P.S. Vote Vote! Vote! Vote! Vote! Vote!
Thank you!
I wish real penises were made out of peppermint..
Saturday, June 2, 2001 09:14 p.m.

Some food I could eat right now includes: Mcdonalds fillet of fish (I refuse to put o'fish because that is just silly and I will not call it a fillay I call it a fillet because that is how it is spelt, god dammit!) Also, tomato soup with croutons, pitta breads and pancakes with chocolate chips in them.
I have many stories to tell about my drunken evening out last night. I will write a journal entry for you about them. But not yet. I'm a lazy arse. I must stop writing in here when I'm pissed. I'm sure it gives the impression that I'm totally incoherant and stupid and, as you know, that's not true at all. Oh no. Not at all. Really. Stop looking at me like that.
Also, guess what?! I'm at number 9! Number 9!! Like the Beatles song! Maybe I will be number one one day. I love you. Also, thank you Joanne for your fantastic campaigning efforts on my behalf. You are a star. In fact, you are all stars and I would eat you all with ketchup if you were here and I wasn't a vegetarian.
Saturday, June 2, 2001 05:17 p.m.

just been out for last day at work with peopelefrom work. the inssisted won buying medrinks. i am dreallyd runk. t is only 9omm. i feel so old.. hee hee.. i wonder what on earth is gongjoafsj on./.? i willm emiss peopewle at work. they wer allln ssexy, i am nOT DRUNK. SHUT UP. IT IS ONLY 9PM
got to glee[ lkeep those good vibrations a halppenin ftoo me . got to keep those good vibtaritons happening to me. l al allaa..
now i am going to go vomit. in thet oilet. i am no tsdirunl
Friday, June 1, 2001 09:01 p.m.

Today, because of evil pollen and smoke people, I have been wearing only one contact lens. Because of this, I spent twenty minutes in Leeds station waiting at a completely different platform for a train that didn't arrive because I'd misread the departures board. And then I missed the train I actually needed to be on. And then I couldn't get my regular seat on the train (yes, I have my own seat on the train. I am sad and hopelessly predictable.) Why do these things always happened to me?
P.S. Stereophonics! Stereophonics!
P.P.S. Vote Liberal Democrat!
P.P.P.S. Vote Rowan! (I am doing unbelievably better than I thought I would. You are all quite lovely people. I would buy you a pint if only you were here. Ah well..!)
P.P.P.P.S. I promise I will stop pestering you about this voting thing as soon as the novelty wears off. And I reach number 1. Of course.
Wednesday, May 30, 2001 06:56 p.m.

StupidworkmakingmegetupatthishourIwanttobeinbedmybackhurts. It is too hard to type without spaces and far too challenging for a thickystupid like me at this time in a morning. I am going to eat some Nutri Grain Elevenses now and feel sorry for myself because I have to go to work. I love you. Please do my work for me! Bye bye!
Wednesday, May 30, 2001 07:17 a.m.

Here are two songs that make me cry always always whether I'm in a good mood or not: 'Winter' by Tori Amos and whoever sings 'Leaving on a Jet Plane'. I have a feeling that I've had this conversation with you before. And, you know what?! I don't care, ho no! Ha ha haaa..
Thank you wonderful people who have been voting for me as I shamelessly whore my site in quite a shallow manner in the Diarist Net Clix thing! I love you! Will you marry me?! Also, did you know that you can click once an hour and it will register as a new vote! This means that if you click a lot I could be the Ruler of the World!! So please click lots and then I will make life a better place for us all. Thank you. And click.
P.S. There are also two songs which make me cry in a bad way. These are the theme tune to the Littlest Hobo and 'Dear Jessie' by Madonna. Also anything by Geri Halliwell. Of course.
P.P.S. Do you think I talk too much nonsense in here? Do I bore you? Please let me know. I am getting paranoid. Thank you.
P.P.P.S. Why are you still reading this when you should be clicking! Honestly.. some people.!!
Tuesday, May 29, 2001 09:31 p.m.

In true British style, I will be spending this afternoon of my Bonk Holiday (traditional British day off work for bonking purposes) looking at paint samples in FADs! Yay! Paint samples! Yay! FADs! When I have finished looking at paint samples I am going to paint my room and get high off the fumes.
This morning I was searching through my Wardrobe of Doom and came across two bags I haven't unpacked - one from when I went to Dublin in April last year and one from when I went to Paris in November 1999! Oh dear lord.. I was born to be a traveller and live out of bags, I think. Or maybe to be a bag lady.. Either way will do. This summer I am going to pester Americans in the USA! Yay! Pestering Americans!
Also, I have added this wonderful weblog to the Diarist Clix thing! Yay! Vote for me! I am shameless and have no morals! If I do well I am going to consider running for parliament! Yay! Anyway, click here lots and lots of times and I will be the happiest girl in the world. If you don't click here then I will cry. Lots. So what's it to be? Make your decisions by clicking here. Thank you!
Monday, May 28, 2001 03:01 p.m.

Sometimes I feel I've got to .. run away.. I've got to.. get away.. from the something something something something.. First I ran from you, now I run to you, this tainted love you've given, blah blah blah.. OH! tainted love! Oh oh oh oh tainted love!
That was my lesson for the day. I hope you learned something from it.
My head feels like there are a thousand baboons sat in it. Last night I half woke up and called Henry the cat 'Job' by mistake. Oh dear god..
Sunday, May 27, 2001 05:22 p.m.

HONG KONG PHOOEY... tra la la la la laaa.. HONG KONG PHOOEY.. tra la la la la laaaa...
That is really all. It's entirely too early to be up on a weekend. I am going out to eat scones with my mummy! Mmm.. scones...
Saturday, May 26, 2001 10:29 a.m.

Hello! Look! Look! Over here! I'm here! Look! My computer is working! 'Tis a miracle - like making water into wine or me becoming a famous supermodel or something!
I am sure it will crash again soon. It likes to Mess with my Mind. I am having a grumbly day today. I would now like to grumble for a bit. Feel free to look away until I'm done, okay?
Grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble.
Also, my back hurts. I had a massage at the Horrendously Posh Health Spa yesterday and now I need a back massage to get rid of the pain caused by my back massage. God dammit.
Also, I have forgotten what else I was going to say!
Here is a burning question in my brain at the moment: "Men.. Why?" Feel free to answer this query if you see fit. Thank you.
I think that's everything now. Except VOTE Liberal Democrat! I am sure I have mentioned that already. Heed my advice well earthlings.
P.S. Big Brother! Yay!
Friday, May 25, 2001 07:50 p.m.

Hello there! I am writing this from a cyber cafe in the middle of Leeds! A cyber cafe! My computer at home has finally given up it's will to live and gone to Computer Heaven so until the weekend when I can steal my dear father's laptop, I am temporarily Without Internet. It is very sad. I miss it already. And it's quite scary in here and people keep look at what I'm typing and there is a webcam staring at me & I don't know whereabouts on my body it's filming and I'm quite uncomfortable.
I hope you all know that I'm paying a horrendous amount of money to bring you this update. And the keyboard is so tiny that I could take it home stuffed down my bra and no one would notice. And there's a button here that you can press and people can come and serve you drinks! Serve you drinks! At your seat! It's like being on an aeroplane!! And now they're playing the La's! Oh happy day!
Also, I don't have access to my email at paraselene.net until the weekend so any emergency email should be sent to rowan@braindead.co.uk. And by emergency email I mean any urgent marriage proposals/offers of money/adoring fan mail and such. You know?!
I will update again at the weekend! Miss me! Won't you?! Or I'll come over there and punch your lights out. COME ON.....
P.S. Yesterday I rescued a wasp. This is the most exciting thing that's happened to me all week.
P.P.S. It is a sunny day today! I hope you are all browning nicely!
P.P.P.S. I am wearing a skirt!
P.P.P.P.S. I am getting rather scared by how many people want to read my wafflings on this page here. It means that there are more oddballs than just me out there. Oh dear lord...!!
P.P.P.P.P.S. Hi everybody reading this site!! I love you all like ice cream! (This, of course, does not mean that I want to put you all in a cornet and lick you of course. Honest.)
Thursday, May 24, 2001 01:16 p.m.

Hello! I have adopted Take That! Look! There they are on the right! (I adopted them from here!) I miss Take That..
Come on come on come on take that! And party! Come on come on come on take that!
You see? I could have been in a boy band. If only I was a boy. Sigh.
Monday, May 21, 2001 07:37 p.m.

I am distraught, sickened and very upset by this story. He was mine, god dammit! I mean, obviously he'd never met me and I'd never met him and the chances of us ever running into each other were amazingly slim and I'd have probably irritated him with my constant waffling anyway, but still. He was mine. And now I am going to go cry into a muffin and consider having breast implants! Have a nice evening!
Also, I have sexy hair. And I don't care what any of you says about that! My hair is god damned sexy, okay?!
Sunday, May 20, 2001 08:38 p.m.

Here are some phrases I can't say:
'woman magazine'
'jewellery replacement service'
And I also can't sing the bit in Mustang Sally where it says "guess you'd better.." I have to sing "bess you getter". I am clearly in need of speech therapy. Or else just a good crack round the head..
I am very disillusioned with life at the moment and am so bored that I am considering eating my own arms off for a moments entertainment. Please send me jigsaw puzzles! Or come play Monopoly with me! (except, you know, I have to be the ship..) Or send me a hug! I need hugs! Thank you!
P.S. My teeth hurt.
P.P.S. My dad keeps trying to tidy me away. I am not a kitchen utensil. It is very annoying.
P.P.P.S. I never win at Monopoly.
Saturday, May 19, 2001 10:12 p.m.

Hello! I'm here! Don't panic! Except I have less hair (it was just cut - only a couple of inches because I LOVE MY HAIR & refuse to be parted from much of it). Also, I have less rabbit. Because Poppy the Rabbit died this afternoon. R.I.P. Poppy. Also I am Jaffacake less. I brought some home with me today with the sole purpose of scanning them for this site, but alas, I was overcome with a powerful urge to put as many of them in my mouth as I could and consume them like a pig troffing a big troff of something troffy. I don't think that's how you spell troff. Alas, I do not care.
And I just realised I hadn't told you about my fantastic plan! I was thinking, on the escalator in Marks & Spencers, about how you could trick somebody into thinking there was somebody with you when there wasn't! Like, when you met them you could say "And this is my sister" or something, and point to thin air - and then they'd be really confused that there was nobody there! And you could get others to join in and totally baffle the person! And you could say "Look, my sister keeps getting offended that you don't talk to her" and "Sometimes it's like she's not there at all." But she isn't there! Because she doesn't exist! Does this make sense?!
I wanted to write a book about it but I couldn't think how to end it. I asked my Mum and she said it should probably end with me being carted off by the men in the white coats! Huh!
P.S. Vote Liberal Democrat! If you are in the UK! Thank you!
Friday, May 18, 2001 07:10 p.m.

I never thought there could be such a thing as too many jaffa cakes. Today I proved myself wrong. God dammit. My childhood illusions are shattered. I must go and lay down in a dark room with nothing but Eddie Izzard, Pants Cat and a squirrel eating a jam sandwich to keep me company. You are the weakest link, goodbye!
Wednesday, May 16, 2001 08:49 p.m.

I forgot to mention yesterday how I was back from Scotland! How silly of me! So, well, I am back from Scotland! My weekend went like this: train, train, sister, sun, shop, walk, drink, drink, drink, drink, sleep (not much), sexy Scottish accents (a lot lot LOT), picnic, walk, train, cousin I hadn't seen for years in Edinburgh station, more train, home. So there.
P.S. I do not put my cats under the scanner. Ever. They go under there of their own free will and I merely press the scan button and they're very happy about the whole affair.
P.P.S. Actually, I never scan cats. I am in the RSPCA. I am a good girl. I would never scan a cat whether it wanted to be scanned or not. A mouse, maybe, or a very small hamster, but never a cat. Oh nooo..
P.P.P.S. Actually, I wonder whether Carwash (the hamster) would mind going under the scanner? Hmm...
P.P.P.P.S. There are journal entries coming! Yes, entries plural! As in more than one! Except I can't be arsed to type them up yet, of course. They will be here someday soon. I'll let you know.
P.P.P.P.P.S. Now I am going to put myself in a toaster. Actually, that reminds me! You know when I have my wedding (not that I will ever have a wedding, no one is quite mad enough to want me forever, hee hee) and at the reception they toast the bride and groom?! Well, I am actually going to be toasted. As in put in a toaster and made all crispy and golden brown for a few minutes. It would be much more entertaining than everyone drinking to my health. Really.
P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Will you marry me?!
Tuesday, May 15, 2001 07:24 p.m.

Here is a funny story which my sister told me. Which you should all laugh at but in a kind of I-shouldn't-be-laughing-at-this-poor-man kind of way. Her Psychology tutor was telling her about a man who wouldn't go outside because he thought he was an orange and somebody might peel him! hee hee! I wish I was an orange. Or perhaps an apple. Or a lemon. Or a grapefruit. Or a melon. Or any kind of fruit. Fruit is a Good Thing. Please eat some fruit today! Thank you.
Monday, May 14, 2001 06:04 p.m.

Hello! I am still at home! I am not on a train and I am not anywhere near Scotland! I am very pissed off. Firstly, because I have heatstroke. And my back is red. And I want to sleep. Secondly because I am not in Scotland. I had to spend three million hours on about four different trains and coaches just to get to Leeds station (a mere 20 minutes normally from here) and then no trains were running at all so I had to come all the way back home again and now I have to go to Scotland at some hideously early time tomorrow instead.
British Rail is evil. Please never visit Britain. Or, if you do, please never go on a train. Okay?! Thank you.
I was once waiting for a train for three whole days. I am so not kidding. And I was stranded in the Hellhole that is Morecambe at the time with people who pretended to love me but didn't really, so it was even more of a big nightmare for me. Oh, woah is me. Life is hard. I have heatstroke. And PMT. I am Miss Grumpy Knickers today..
P.S. People who piss on statues of Eric Morecambe are not amusing at all. Fiends.

Friday, May 11, 2001 05:29 p.m.

Also, if you get bored without me then you can refresh this page at least seven whole times and see my different layouts! Wow! What tremendous fun that will be for you! Really. I can almost sense your excitement from here!
Happy refreshing?! (Mmm.. Refreshers..) Happy weekend! Happy eater! Now I am going to go and try to post myself through the postbox! Bye bye! See you on Monday! (in a totally virtual sense, of course! Unless you are planning on visiting me on Monday. Which you probably aren't. Unless you're my stalker, You're It Blokee, who is probably watching me right this second. Otherwise I don't think you will see me on Monday. Please come visit me. I like visitors. I'll make you tea! I make good tea. Mmm.. tea..)
Thursday, May 10, 2001 09:52 p.m.

Ooh! I forgot to tell you! I am going to be in Scotland this weekend listening to lots of lovely Scottish people and getting drunk with my drunken student sister and talking to swans! Yippee! So I will not be updating here now until Sunday or Monday, hokay?! Have a nice weekend! Eat lots of ice cream! I'll miss you!
Thursday, May 10, 2001 09:44 p.m.

The most popular search term used to get to this site is still 'used knickers'. God dammit. You have no idea how much this upsets me. Though I guess it doesn't help when I keep writing 'used knickers' all the time. Ho hum..
Damn Google. Damn you pervert men!
Thursday, May 10, 2001 01:51 p.m.

I am not at work. I was ill but now I'm feeling better because I am resilient like Superwoman.
Also, I have a new extra special layout! It is the most extra special layout I've ever had! It also means I never have to do a new layout ever again. See if you can work out what's extra special about it (except one particular thing - a photograph - which is not extra special but rather embarrasing if you are me. Which you're not. Or my sister Beth. Which I don't think you are. So you'll probably laugh. But please remember that it is not extra special. Think of the torture it was for me to wear those red puffin pyjamas. Really.)
I hope you like my new extra special layout anyway! :o)
Thursday, May 10, 2001 01:45 p.m.

Ahh.. I love the smell of Europe in a morning.
Thursday, May 10, 2001 01:44 p.m.

Hello! Do you all miss me when I don't post for a day?! I hope so! I miss you! All of you! Sometimes I cry about it! Really!
Today it is sunny!! Yay!! And I have been rabbit spotting! I like rabbits! The only bad thing about it being sunny is that I get hayfever and my voice goes all croaky like I work on a phone sex line and my nose goes bright red like Rudolph! I miss Rudolph. How long until Christmas?!
Is it possible to have wild black rabbits?! Or are all wild rabbits brown?! Please let me have your opinions!
On Friday I am finishing work early (read, skiving the afternoon) and going to Scotland to see my sister! yay! My sister! Yay! Scotland!
These are all the thoughts that are in my head at the moment! Plus lots of exclamation marks! I hope you are all well and happy!
Wednesday, May 9, 2001 06:50 p.m.

My computer has finished being broken. Well, it is still poorly but I can use it again and I can access my email and all those other lovely things. Except it will probably crash and devour my hard drive soon. Ah well..
I have just sent an extra-long, kind of ranty email to my mailing list. If you are on my mailing list then I apologise profusely. If you are not on my mailing list then you smell bad and should go and join it now and make yourself smell better! Thank you!
Today I went to see small children dressed as nursery rhyme characters parade through the streets of my town. It was very good. And kind of scary. People in fancy dress are frightening. And this little girl my sister knows threw flour all over us! That made me sad. And floury.
Then I slept all afternoon. And then I tried to wake up but my contact lenses had stuck my eyes together. Ho hum.
Monday, May 7, 2001 09:43 p.m.

Does anybody know what the hippy hippy shake really is? I am most intrigued.. Hmm..
P.S. My links section at the side there is rather lonely, I feel. Can I add you? Can I? Can I?! Send mail and let me know. Except I won't be able to read it until my dad stops breaking our computer. Ho hum..
P.P.S. I am writing this on the laptop in the kitchen! In the kitchen! How novel! Would you like me to put the kettle on and make you a cup of tea whilst I'm here? Would you like a biscuit? Unfortunately we only have kind of manky shortbread that my sister made yesterday but if you close your eyes and try not to swallow too much then it really tastes like delicious chocolate cake. Mmm.. chocolate cake..
Monday, May 7, 2001 10:50 a.m.

Hello! My dad is currently in the process of breaking our computer so I have no internet access except from this silly little laptop thing where I can't check my email and I don't have any of my bookmarks and it makes my new layout at Paraselene look so shitty that I would delete it right now except I don't have ftp access. Oh, woah is me. Life is hard.
In my current computerless state I have had to take up things like playing scissors paper stone with my Mum and waking my Furbies up every two seconds so I have something to do. I am getting Computer Withdrawal Symptoms. I am thinking in HTML. Aaarghh..!
Hopefully all will be well again by this afternoon. If not then the next time you hear from me I will probably be a completely different person and will have started up a new obsession. Like belly dancing. Or organised religion. Either way it will definitely not be a Good Thing. Ho hum.. Hope you have a good week anyway!
Monday, May 7, 2001 09:57 a.m.

Here is an exciting idea for you, in case you are completely out of exciting ideas of your own. Which you probably aren't. But, well, I don't know what I'm talking about..
Why not go play darts! Real live darts! Darts is fun. I was just playing darts a moment ago on a dartboard we have and I managed to knock over/break/hurt a great deal of things when throwing my darts. It was kind of therapeutic.
I wish I could be on Bullseye. (80s game show involving darts starring the delightful Jim Bowen and usually with an excellent prize like a caravan! Wow!)
And now it's time for tea.
Saturday, May 5, 2001 05:25 p.m.

Last night I was so knackered that I went to sleep at 7pm. Wow. I am such a wild and crazy Party Girl.
Also, I have hayfever. My eyes are red like a zombie with red eyes.
Also, I am really upset because I missed my chance yesterday to say May the 4th be with you. So, May the 4th be with you. And May the 5th be with you too. And, actually, may any day in May be with you. I hope you have a joyous Bank Holiday day on Monday and you are all going to watch children parading through your streets dressed up as nursery rhyme characters, as I will be.
My life is so god-damn exciting. I bet you all wish you were me, don't you?
Saturday, May 5, 2001 09:35 a.m.

Archiving makes me sad...
Thank you people who wrote me shtuff after my desperately lonely cries yesterday! I love you like I love my new Furby baby! (A-hem, yes. I had to buy a baby one too. Because, you know, my big one was getting broody and made me promise to bring one home and I really had no say in the matter. Honestly..) Especially thank you Joanne because she sent me 19 whole emails and it made me feel very special! I will get back to you all personally really really soon, I promise!
P.S. Look who signed my guestbook! I mean, LOOK! He put his name and everything! He is a brave man. I will phone him one day soon. Because I love getting myself into these Situations, you know?!
P.P.S. I am impossible to fully get over. I am a goddess. Please make sure I remember that at all times and please feel free to beat me with a stick if ever I forget.
P.P.P.S. I am really really really really really obsessed with a guy from work. It is quite horrendous. I have a crush like I used to get when I was 13 or something and it's just terrible. Except I don't go quite as red as I did then. And I have learnt how to be the World's Biggest Flirt(TM) which helps me somewhat in my quest. Oh dear..
Thursday, May 3, 2001 06:23 p.m.