Today I'm feeling lonely. Send mail!
My favourite teacher from my hideous days at school has died from leukaemia. He only found out he had it a few days before he died. I'm really sad.. even though I hadn't seem him for a long time there was still a part of me that thought of him and what he was up to, etc. He was the greatest. Really. Even though he taught Physics! He stopped me skiving more than anyone other teacher did!
Rest in Peace, Mr Lambert. We'll miss you.
(P.S. See, sometimes I can be serious. I bet you never thought I had it in me, did you?)
(P.P.S. Just in case you've forgotten - Send mail! Hee hee!)
(P.P.P.S. Today I spent an hour and a half trying to clip together some pieces of paper. I am so productive.)
Wednesday, May 2, 2001 07:47 p.m.

Do you ever have a thought which you know is too stupid/impossible to be true but yet you can't stop thinking it? I think it is called 'delusion'. This is what I am feeling at the moment. I am very Deluded. Hmm..
P.S. I don't like strawberries. Please don't buy me strawberry cakes. Thank you.
P.P.S. Today I yelled at a client on the phone at work. I don't yell ever ever. I think I must be turning into a monster.
Tuesday, May 1, 2001 10:26 p.m.

Hello. Today I waved at Nelson Mandela on my lunchbreak. He was much shorter and a bit stoopier than I imagined but he had a great big smile and his teeth sparkled like a set of false teeth on a Colgate advert.
I hope you all waved at someone Important and Interesting on your lunchbreak today too. Also, I hope you all have nice sparkly teeth. Dental hygiene is a necessity in today's society, I feel.
Monday, April 30, 2001 07:52 p.m.

Also, today I bought a Furby. Because I am very slow to catch on to trends and also because I am really a 5 year old in a 21 year old's body. It is very cool. Except it never ever ever wants to sleep and I am quite convinced that I am going to become like a mother of a newborn child and will never be able to sleep through a night again. Oh dear.
Why don't kids want to play with dolls or teddys or, you know, plastic cars or anything anymore? It makes me very sad.
P.S. How dare you suggest that skirts are not in fashion anymore? Unfortunately I cannot think of any sarcastic comments I can make about Holland in return but when I do you must beware! You have not heard the last of me! Ha ha haa...
Sunday, April 29, 2001 07:12 p.m.

This morning my family and I had a great big panic because the computer crashed and we all panicked and I thought I had lost my entire website and journal archives and my Great Unfinished Novel(TM) and everything.
And then my dad discovered that it wasn't working because I had dropped some Nutri Grain bar crumbs in the keyboard and one of the keys got jammed. Oh dear god..
Sunday, April 29, 2001 07:09 p.m.

Also, never ever ever get it into your head that it's a good idea to dance to 'It's Raining Men' with a load of incredibly old guys, no matter how drunk you or they are. It will only be disastorous and quite traumatic when you wake up the next morning and realise what you've done.
Saturday, April 28, 2001 08:14 p.m.

It is never ever a good idea to still be living in the same town as most of your ex-boyfriends/one night stand guys. For one thing it means that you never see anyone new, and for another it means you can make the same mistake you once did all over again. Fun fun.
This is not at all referring to last night, by the way. Try the week before, hee hee.
I am such a tart. My friend Rachel said "I don't know how you say you don't need a bloke and then you spend your whole nights out flirting with anything in trousers."
Hmm..
P.S. No I DON'T have a hangover, thank you very much. Because I wasn't at all drunk last night, you know? Really. Stop looking at me like that!
Saturday, April 28, 2001 08:08 p.m.

I definitely think Jorrit would look sexy in a skirt. Hee hee.
Saturday, April 28, 2001 08:05 p.m.

**edited the next morning because you don't really want to know where I live now, do you? That would entirely defeat the purpose of me being Mysterious and Elusive, hee hee. Also, I don't really want people from the town where I live picking up this site on their statistics or whatever. Sometimes I am just so antisocial!!**
Friday, April 27, 2001 11:39 p.m.

tra la laaa la la laaa who let the dogs out whowho wo who who let the dogs out who who who who
It's raining men. hallelujah it's raining men. Amen
I am bak far earlier than i anciticpated. I am also absoltely sober and not drunk at all. I am comokektekley sober. Really sober.
I am eating a whole tub of cottage cheese. mmmm.. cottage cheese... mmmmmm...
who let the dogs out who who who who?
I***** is such a shitehole. I don't know why I live here sometimes. I get so lonelyt. Some people are WANKERS.
Wgho let the dogs out who hwo wh who?!
I love you all like lime bacardi breezers (which is alot!)
Friday, April 27, 2001 11:13 p.m.

Tonight I am going to get drunk. Unfortunately I will not be wearing my sparkly trousers but will instead wear a practically-non-existant-skirt (a la Bridget Jones). If you see me around feel free to comment on how sexy my legs are and how good I am to freeze my arse off in the name of beauty.
Oh, I'm so modest. You really have no idea.
P.S. Last night I dreamt that I had a raccoon egg! How cool is that! And it cost only £1.46! I wish all raccoons came in cheap eggs like that!
P.P.S. I am never ever ever having colonic irrigation. Ever.
Friday, April 27, 2001 06:13 p.m.

This is the coolest picture on earth -->

I wish I was a cat that could swear.
(P.S. Ta Amanda!)
Thursday, April 26, 2001 10:08 p.m.

Today I am incredibly hyper a bit like Tigger only not quite as bouncy because of my back. My Mum has been laughing at me for about three hours because I have been telling her about the day I felt ill and had to have the day off school because my sister had a Rice Krispie stuck to her face and it made me feel sick. Also, there was the time when I was about 4 when I remember quite clearly that my nursery school teacher had a Weetabix growing out of her chin.
I think I had a strange phobia of breakfast cereals as a child. Actually, I think I had a very strange childhood full stop. Hee hee!
Thursday, April 26, 2001 10:00 p.m.

Today Megan sent me a beautiful silky scarf through the post! Thank you Megan! I love it! I will write you a proper letter soon, I promise!
Wednesday, April 25, 2001 08:47 p.m.

My dad is so mean. I have just got home from a Hard Day's Work at the Office and then, just because I'm on the computer, he asks me to print off 8 copies of this huge document for him, and then refuses to pay £8 an hour for my services(which is what I get through the agency for my Fantastic Admin Skills! I love the agency!) Some dads are just so cruel..
P.S. Would you still visit my weblog if I was a lapdancer? I am thinking of it as a future career move, you see.. Hmm..
P.P.S. Changes have been afoot at my beautiful domain. Go see for yourself, why don't you?! Also, if it's not compatible in Netscape can you let me know please because I am always making things that aren't compatible with Netscape and it makes me sad to think that poor Netscape is being deprived like that, hee hee!
Wednesday, April 25, 2001 08:39 p.m.

P.S. Thank you nice people who have sent me well wishes! Hee hee!
P.P.S. I lied about the fact that I am going to go lay flat on my stomach. Really I am going to go play The Sims House Party because making sure a group of animated characters have a good party is entirely more important than whether or not I'll be able to walk properly tomorrow. Really it is. Stop looking at me like that.
Tuesday, April 24, 2001 07:16 p.m.

Sorry, sorry.. I am still ill in a horrid back-ache type of way.. I really shouldn't be here.. Unfortunately my back ache does not permit me to have time off work, because I'm too lazy/too paranoid to go to my doctor and get a sicknote, so I have to spend all day sat in my little chair, all stoopy and bent over and whinging "Ooo, me back's giving me gip" like an old woman. Then I have to come home and lay either flat on my back or flat on my stomach depending on the mood I'm in. It's great fun. But it means I shouldn't be on my computer when I get home and I am very naughty and must be punished.
Signing my guestbook punishes me. Really. Sending me adoring fanmail would be quite a hideous punishment. Honestly.
Anyway, now I am going to go lay flat on my stomach again and try to find a comfortable way to watch tv. My life is so entertaining.
Tuesday, April 24, 2001 07:06 p.m.

I am in so much pain it's quite unbearable. Stupid back. I am sat all twisted and hunched and old-ladyish because any other position hurts and hurts and hurts. Now I am going to spend the entire day flat on my back (but not in a good way, hee hee) and feel sorry for myself. Please feel sorry for me too! Thank you!
Sunday, April 22, 2001 10:48 a.m.

Excluding Sundays, it is perfectly legal to shoot a Scotsman with a bow and arrow in the city of York. (I found this out here!) This is a highly intriguing concept and I will be considering asking a certain Mr Gilmour if he feels the urge to visit York with me in the near future. Except not on a Sunday of course. (By the way, Mr Gilmour, if you feel the urge to stalk my site please make sure you say hi - otherwise it is very rude, you know? Plus I miss having someone to wind up all the time. Ha ha haaaa...)
Sunday, April 22, 2001 10:04 a.m.

Urgh. Never again. Really. Never ever again. Honestly. I am never drinking again. I mean it. Will you stop looking at me like that! hee hee!
(P.S. Do you like the new layout? I love layouts that revolve around jelly tots! Mmm.. jelly tots..)
(P.P.S. This morning I ate three ice lollies in a row. Ice lollies are GOOD hangover cures. Remember that, won't you.)
Saturday, April 21, 2001 03:31 p.m.

Sorry no updates. Yesterday my back decided to punish me for having a massage & trying to get rid of the pain, and I ended up completely unable to move, and tonight I am going out drinking in sparkly trousers. They are the best sparkly trousers in the whole world. If you saw me you would want them. Have a nice Friday night yourselves! :o)
P.S. Today I saw a man riding an ostrich through Leeds city centre. I am so not making this up.
Friday, April 20, 2001 06:05 p.m.

Also, before I go flush my head, I must inform you that as from yesterday I seem to be attracted to every single male on the planet. I am even more sad and desperate than I previously thought. Anyway, yes, so watch out. If you are male. I have not started being attracted to females yet, but god knows how long it will be until I am. Oh dear oh dear oh dear.
Also, can you believe I haven't seen Sexy Train Conducter(TM) for over TWO WHOLE WEEKS NOW?!! I think that is why I'm so desperate at the moment. It is like withdrawal symptoms. Anyway, now I'm going to flush my head! And then fill in the Census form, because those things are fun! Ho ho.
Wednesday, April 18, 2001 07:09 p.m.

wibble wobble wibble wobble jelly on the plate.
wibble wobble wibble wobble jelly on the plate.
I like to sing childrens songs. Especially ones about jelly. Even though I can't eat it 'cos it has gelatine in it. And it IS called jelly, goddammit. Not jello, you sillies. And jelly is not jam, jam is jam. Deary me. And now I'm getting confused. I think I will go stick my head down the toilet and flush a few times.
Wednesday, April 18, 2001 07:06 p.m.

Hello! Today I have tomato ketchup all down my Posh and Sophisticated work shirt. I look like I have been stabbed.
Wednesday, April 18, 2001 06:48 p.m.

Have just been for a half body massage at a v. posh health spa (easter present from my Mummy! I love my Mummy!) and now I feel like a big bowl of jelly. Actually, you know Mr Soft from that softmints advert? And he's all wobbly and bendy and looks like he'll fall over all the time? I feel like him. I am Mr Soft, goddammit. As soon as I had to get up off the massage bed thing my legs gave way. I don't know what the hell has been keeping me together these past months - perhaps big balls of steel or something - but I am very very glad they are gone. Or at least, I will be when I can make my legs work again.
Now I am going to sleep. Because I am too relaxed to do anything else. Have sweet dreams! :o)
Tuesday, April 17, 2001 08:00 p.m.

If you are in the UK, I hope you all spent your afternoon watching The Great Escape on ITV! The Great Escape is my favourite film in the entire world! Except I still think that they all survived in the end because I always fast-forward it through that horrid part where some of them are taken onto the hill and shot. I don't like films with unhappy endings, goddammit!
Steve McQueen is God. Why are all the best people dead?
Monday, April 16, 2001 06:34 p.m.

I have changed my entire domain around, because there is really nothing better than spending your hard-earned bank holidays sat in front of a computer screen until your eyes go all blurry and you get a migraine from being too lazy to put your contact lenses in!
It is now here, and isn't completed yet - there are lots of pages that are down etc., but you can still go visit the main page & the me page & my journal and let me know if it looks entirely shite.
Most of the layout revolves around jelly tots. Unfortunately I could only scan in one set of them because as soon as I'd done one and seen it on my computer screen I got quite hungry and had to eat them all. So my layout will probably make you hungry. You have been warned.
Mmm.. jelly tots..
Monday, April 16, 2001 06:29 p.m.

My sister Beth went back to uni today.. That made me cry.. And then I went for a shower and realised she'd taken my favourite shampoo, and then I went into my bedroom and realised that two of my favourite books are missing, so now I'm not quite so upset that she's gone. Damn sisters.
Monday, April 16, 2001 06:26 p.m.

Thank you people who have signed my guestbook as a result of me saying I'd cry if you didn't! Emotional blackmail is good!
Would it also work if I said that if I didn't get £1 million really soon then I'd cry and cry and never recover? Because I would, you know. I really would. I get very hurt that no one has thought to send me £1 million before now. Sob.
Monday, April 16, 2001 06:25 p.m.

Geordies are sexy.
Sunday, April 15, 2001 08:54 p.m.

Hello everyone! I hope you have had a nice easter! I am still alive! It was too rainy to go gliding so we just did lots of walking up big hills instead, which was just as enthralling as it sounds. Also we saw a big white chalk horse without a head. Also I nearly killed us with my driving, but not really because it wasn't my fault.
Also, on the way back I had to drive through where Ryan lived and where I used to spend lots of my time and I am quite ashamed to say that I cried. Sometimes I get so lonely though, you know? Ho hum.. I'm such a woman sometimes. Dear God, but that's annoying.
Also, I love Joe. In a completely platonic way, of course. He is entirely too trainspotterish to be attractive. Also entirely too stuck-in-the-1920s. He bought me a Tigger! Yay! And you have to love anyone who buys you a Tigger! hee hee!
Sunday, April 15, 2001 08:48 p.m.

Yay! I have started my webring for European journals and weblogs! Please go join! But only if you are from Europe and have a journal or weblog of course! (I am sorry if you're not from Europe but sometimes you just have to be quite ruthless, I think. And I am never normally ruthless, so please let me off with it this time! Thank you!)
The ring is here. Please go join! Thank you!
(Also, thank you Hannah! This webring is for you! :o))
Sunday, April 15, 2001 11:07 a.m.

There are people I have spied coming here regularly and not signing my guestbook. Can I just point out that this is very upsetting and makes me cry? Really. When I see that you have been visiting my site and not let me know who you are, I feel like you don't want to know me at all and then I just cry and cry and cry and, well, how would you like that on your conscience, huh?!! HUH?! YOU INSENSTIVE FIENDS!!
Sunday, April 15, 2001 10:03 a.m.

If I could send chocolate easter eggs via email, I promise I'd send you all one today. Really I would.
(Sometimes I am such a creep, don't you think?! Hee hee!)
(Also, sorry I have been so antisocial lately. I am just having one of those weeks where everything I say seems to be like I am saying the most hugest amount of rubbish in the entire world, so I find it best if I avoid everybody for fear of confusing/upsetting them! Sorry! I am paranoid!)
Sunday, April 15, 2001 09:59 a.m.

(Nat sent me this! Thank you Nat!! It made me laugh and laugh, and then feel sorry for poor chocolate bunnies whose ears will be eaten off today..!!)
Sunday, April 15, 2001 09:57 a.m.

Do you think that it could be possible for me to become Prime Ministeress, a Rich and Famous Pop Star and a Nun? Or is that slightly too ambitious? I am going to try every single job in the entire world before I die, I think. Except, you know, a butcher or a slaughterhouse person or anything that hurts animals. Or people. Or a nurse because I don't like sick. Or anything that requires me to get out of bed before at least 6am. Ho hum..
Saturday, April 14, 2001 10:24 p.m.

Tomorrow I am going to drive my beautiful Pippa-car (yes, my car is called Pippa. And, no, she's not really my car. I share her with my Mummy, god dammit) through patches of disinfectant to see Joe! Yay! Joe is one of my favourite people in the entire world! He is going to take me gliding. I am really really scared because Joe is unsteady enough on the ground, so I am quite sure I will be either dead or violently airsick tomorrow when I have to go up with him in a glider.
I really like that phrase 'violently airsick' - it is very catchy, don't you think? When I am a Rich and Famous Pop Star then I will call my album Violently Airsick. Wow.
Saturday, April 14, 2001 10:17 p.m.

This afternoon I went to see Bridget Jones' Diary which is a fantastic, fantastic film, especially because these two men -->

are so yummy you could eat them on toast. Mmm.. toast.. Why aren't there any yummy-on-toast men in real-life? It makes me very sad. Especially because the only even slightly yummy-on-toast man I met turned out to be an arsehole. Sigh. I think I am going to become a Nun.
Saturday, April 14, 2001 10:08 p.m.